Strong Femininity: The Confidence to Push Back and Show Up Differently

We're not going back to the way things were. Here's how I'm figuring out how I want to show up in this new chaotic world.

Photo by Kate Andreya

I grew up with a lot of masculine energy. Most of it was spent sporting clay shooting or hunting with my dad, his friends, and my brother. We still do this. I was often the only woman in the room—other than maybe the cook.

Dad taught me how to use power tools, change my oil and tires, drive a stick shift, play softball, and many other things. He also taught me a lot about finances and being a manager. He taught me how to be confident.

I also learned a lot from my mom. She’s where I get my creativity and my love of fishing. One of my earliest memories is being obsessed with her art supplies. She taught me how to sew, cross-stitch, knit, make a bow, and decorate.

I’m tremendously grateful for growing up with this balance.

When I went to college, I found it easier to have male friends than female ones. The same was true when I moved to Washington, D.C. Republican politics is dominated by masculinity. That changed a little when I moved to tech in 2011. Sheryl’s book Lean In was released in 2013, and it was the first time I learned how deep the reasons are for why women are treated differently than men. I’ll never forget how she fought tooth and nail to ensure I was at the table for various meetings.

However, it wasn’t until leaving Facebook a few years ago that I truly learned what it means to embrace one's femininity and power. For example, I’ve tried working full-time in various organizations over the last four years, but none ever felt right. I thought I needed to be at an organization to be successful. I didn’t fully realize or appreciate my power and ability to build my own thing until this past summer.

Masculinity or femininity is not better than the other—we need both—but this topic has been at the top of my mind as we see a new chapter start fueled by aggressive male energy.

While at Facebook, I saw firsthand how overemphasizing masculine energy—urgency, competition, and dominance—shaped decision-making at the highest levels. I also saw the counterbalance that the feminine energy of nuance, collaboration, and long-term thinking could bring.

This is where Mark Zuckerberg’s comments about masculinity pissed me off. On Joe Rogan’s podcast, he lamented the lack of “masculine energy” in corporate America and suggested that catering to women had gone too far. Hearing this felt like a gut punch—not just because of the words, but because they reflected a broader narrative I’m seeing play out more right now: one that dismisses the value of feminine energy and reduces leadership to aggression and dominance.

Facebook supported me a lot as a female leader until it didn’t. While I can be frustrated with how they are rolling out all of these changes, I agree with some. I respect the people defending Mark because they speak from their own experiences—even if they don’t fully match mine.

I’m not proud of how I’ve shown up or reacted to things in the past. I was a wreck when Facebook took me off of elections in November 2019. I was a wreck well before that. The company changed its mind about the value I was bringing to the work, which crushed me, and I didn’t respond well.

I’m also proud of how I showed up in many instances, from building and supporting my team to defending tough choices internally and externally with empathy. People may disagree with me, but I hope they feel like they had the chance to be heard and that I’m transparent about why I made the decision I did.

As I watch Trump take office, I find two thoughts rising above the others: one, that I only have control over how I show up, and two, that I feel a weird sense of optimism about this turning of a page. I felt the same after January 6, 2021.

After those events, I decided that if I couldn’t do the work I wanted to at Facebook, I would start Anchor Change and do what I could through consulting and writing this newsletter. My focus was on the historic year of elections in 2024. Today, I know that leap paid off. I had no idea if I would sink or swim at the time.

Today, I have another blank slate regarding my future plans. I feel like I’m trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. The picture is still fuzzy, but it’s starting to come into focus. I find that incredibly exciting and scary.

The first two weeks of 2025 have made one thing clear: this will be a wild year. The cultural, political, and professional landscapes are tense, and the energy in the air feels aggressive and unrelenting.

But here’s the thing: we all have a choice. We get to decide what energy we will put into the world. We get to choose how we show up—not reacting to the noise but in alignment with our values. For me, that means rejecting the hyper-masculine narrative that’s being pushed by tech leaders and others and leaning into something different: feminine energy, radical empathy, and the confidence to lead in my own way.

I realized this on a recent duck hunting trip in Canada. In one instance, I got so mad at my dad telling me what to do that I just unleashed on him. I’m not proud of how I yelled at him - it was over the top - but I was proud to stand up for myself. Another example came when they all criticized me for my fancy coffee maker. Normally, I would have just laughed along and let it slide. Instead, this time, something came over me, and I said they were reacting to this in a way that was all wrong. Instead of making fun of me, they should congratulate me on creating such a successful career that I could afford said coffeemaker. They stopped making fun of me after that.

When I left Facebook, I committed to leading and living differently. I wanted to build a life and career aligned with my values—not just what was expected. Over time, that commitment has evolved into a manifesto, a guide for how I want to show up in the world, not just as a leader but as a whole person.

I live by a set of words and principles that remind me daily of what truly matters:

• Autonomy and Flexibility: I make space to follow my instincts and trust my own timing.

• Freedom to Experiment: Mistakes are just detours on the path to discovery.

• Creativity Feeds My Soul: Whether I’m writing, podcasting, or reflecting with tarot cards, creativity connects me to my purpose.

• Trailblazer and Edgewalker: I embrace the discomfort of walking paths few have traveled, balancing tradition and innovation.

These principles guide my work as a leader in tech and democracy, a mentor, and someone who navigates the impossible tradeoffs of modern life. They keep me grounded, whether I’m discussing AI and elections or finding moments of joy in quiet mornings, good coffee, and journaling.

I also allow feminine energy to be present in my daily life, something society often encourages us to suppress. It’s in the intuition I follow, the community I build, the crystals I keep on my desk, and the stories I share through my newsletter and podcast. It’s the energy of connection—to myself, others, and the bigger picture.

So, when people say we need more aggression or that feminine energy has gone “too far,” I know this: they’re clinging to a past that doesn’t serve us anymore. Together, we can build something better, not by tearing others down but by lifting each other up. Growing up, I learned to embrace the strength of both masculine and feminine energy—from the grit of hunting trips to the creativity of my mother’s art supplies. Today, I see how that balance is what enables us to lead and live with integrity.

We all get to choose our path, and I respect those who need to withdraw, move underground or do things in ways that work for them. In my work, leadership, and life, I strive to embody the words that guide me: grounded, classic, ambitious, and feminine. I invite you to consider what energies you can embrace - for yourself and the communities, industries, and systems you’re part of.

The future belongs to those of us who dare to balance strength with softness, ambition with reflection, and success with soul. This isn’t about replacing masculine energy—it’s about complementing it with the feminine so that we can all become better leaders, colleagues, and humans.

NOTE: I used ChatGPT to help brainstorm this post and get suggestions for edits.